My mom was diagnosed with dementia in June of 2016. We basically tried to come to terms with that because we had never dealt with dementia before. We had lost my dad to cancer after he battled it for a year, so we knew what that looked like, this was different. We decided to have a family meeting that included not only the 3 siblings but also our spouses. My husband and I considered bringing her to live with us since we had plenty of room and didn’t have any kids. I had even asked my mom at one point if she’d like to come with us so she wouldn’t be all alone in her great big house. She had liked that idea but that wasn’t going to work.
Mom’s neurologist gave us more information on her follow up appointment that changed our minds prior to us getting together to discuss how we would all proceed. The doctor told us that the longer we could keep her in her home, a place she was familiar with, the possibility of advancing the disease would be a little slower. We agreed staying home at least for now was going to be happening. She also made us consider and talk about what we would want to do long term. How long would we keep her at home? Would we put her in a facility if it became overwhelming? What kind of medical treatment would she have? Did we want to put a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) in place? What about power of attorney for her finances and medical decisions? I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a lot to take in and learn about to make an informed decision that worked for all of us but especially Mom.
My husband and I talked a lot about what we wanted to do and bring to the table as I’m sure my brothers and their wives were doing too. He and I both worked for the same company (it’s how we met) and had each been there for over 25 years. We were in management at two different locations that required over 55 hours each per week. Spare time is not a luxury that either of us had at that moment. I had wanted to look for another job prior to my mom’s diagnosis because I felt I had reached the highest level I would get to at the company. A new job with more time on my hands would defiantly be something to aspire to. We decided that instead of looking for a new job though, I should become Mom’s caregiver. I could always return to the work force later. This way we would be able to provide Mom with the best care we could give her. We figured the end of the year was a good timeline to shoot for.
When it was finally time to get together to discuss everything with everyone, the idea was a hit. It wasn’t without hiccups though. They all wanted me to go into this with eyes wide open. It wasn’t going to be easy and would require a lot of adjustments for everyone. We let my brothers know the timeline we had set for my job, and I would be “retiring” from retail by the end of the year. That meant that they would have to keep a closer eye on her until then. When my husband and I we off work, we would help out.
By now, what was really cool was that my middle brother had bought a home less than 2 miles from Mom’s house and he would come pick her up for dinner at his place. She could still take care of herself at this point, but we were trying to keep an eye on her as much as possible after the incident of her going into the wrong house. Fortunately, she didn’t want to go on her normal walks alone anymore, so we gave her company when she did want to go. We really tried to make things seem like they were her idea, not something that was being decided for her as a way to not rock the boat so we could keep her safe. We disconnected the stove and told her we had to buy her a new one because this one no longer worked. Since she had no concept of time, she was ok with it. She liked to have yogurt or cereal in the mornings and a sandwich or soup for lunch, so the microwave was her new friend. Brother would typically get her for dinner if not my other brother or I would make sure she ate. We didn’t want her to go hungry and I kept her pantry stocked with snacks.
I asked my mom if it would be ok if we moved in with her. I told her that my husband and I would like to save some extra money and would need to rent out our home to do that. She said, yes of course, that would not be a problem. Mom had always been a fierce Mama Bear while we were growing up and in spite of this disease, she still had that in her. Apparently after I asked her if we could move in, she immediately called my middle brother to tell him and express her concern. She was worried something was wrong with me (financially) because we had asked to move in. She knew how financially independent I had been since I was 18 years old. My brother assured her everything was fine and that we had only wanted to save more money to buy an investment property. She felt better and calmed down after that.
Time seemed to really speed up and the end of the year was approaching. In September I confided in my boss that my mom had been diagnosed earlier in the year. I made her aware that my heart was no longer in the job and that I would be leaving at the end of December. I asked her to keep it to herself for as long as she could because I didn’t want to have to talk about it with any of my peers, because work was the only thing that seemed normal at the time. She did keep her word and allowed me (to my knowledge) to tell my reginal VP my plans at the beginning of December. He showed great compassion and even talked me into taking a leave of absence at the end of the year instead, in case I changed my mind (but I knew I wouldn’t). He didn’t want this to be final for me yet. He shared that he too had an understanding of what I was going through because his family was going through something similar as well.
It was now Christmas and as we had always done, we celebrated at Mom’s house on Christmas Eve so that my brothers could spend Christmas day with their in laws’ families. My hubby and I spent the night like we did every time since my dad had passed in 2009 and took Mom to church on Christmas day. I couldn’t believe that in a week’s time, I’d be taking family leave and then leaving my job for good. My last day worked was New Year’s Eve. It was extremely bittersweet. I had only told 2 of my employees I was leaving for good, everyone else only knew I was going on family leave and no other details. I packed up all my personal items and headed out. I stopped to look at the front of the store before I got into my car. I knew then that I was closing this chapter in my life to begin a new one.
The new year would bring a whole lot of change. January 1st was the first official day of me becoming Mom’s caregiver…….The new journey had now begun.